Another Moment In My Head

.My sanity comes from something someone once told me  “This To Shall Pass”.  I am struggling not too get angry right now. It would be senseless and not get me anywhere but gosh it is hard not too. I made an adult decision when I was a baby of 16 years old and have been paying for it since I was probably 25.  I was to busy raising babies to realize my profound  mistake and the effects that would follow. The adult in my life should not of allowed me to make just a huge mistake. They should have known better.

I have so many thoughts in my head I don’t know if I will ever get them all sorted out. Years of thoughts all intertwined screaming at me constantly to be sorted out in some organized fashion.  Do I start from the very beginning or do I start from here..All of it is pretty fucked up, hence why I am fucked up.

It is kinda shameful. a whole lot depressing ,and 110% sad. All of it. How do I get it all outta my head, heart, mind, body and soul and into my fingers so it can flow out of me?

I guess a brief overview of my early life is relevant. My parents divorced when I was  18 months old. He wasn’t to be seen or heard from by me until I was 29 years old. That is when I found him after a 10 year search. See that’s a story of it’s own. My mother was a party girl, she loved to party. She married a man that went to prison when I was around four. That’s to is another story. He did three years got out. They played house and party animals. A sister was born before he was released they had conjugal visits. Times goes by with ton’s of drama along the way such as drugs, drinking, sex and me being raped repeatedly by a family member, just all kinds of stuff. My parents got in with the mafia and then the fun really began. And now my mother ended up in prison.Another story. She does her time gets out . And allows me to get married at the age of 16 because my step dad and I didn’t get along at all.. So she gladly signed the paperwork for me to get married. I wasn’t even pregnant! This is where my mistakes begins.

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One Sad Lesbian

I still can not get out of the terrible tangled web that I am in. How I wish I had someone to help me understand myself better. I am the missing link that my family has been searching for. If they only knew they would kick me to the curb so fast. The curb is sounding better and better all the time. I have spent many many years in the web. I want to break out, but how? It’s drives me insane sometimes. I know I am not the only one but where are the others. We could help each other possibly. I just don’t know which way to turn now.

The most precious thing I have lost is myself. I lost me at age 16 and have been lost since then. I am trying now to find me again after so so many years. I know who I am but the other me has me all tangled up in a world I don’t want to be.